Up In Arms
by ShinyShimaron
Summary: Conrad has lost his arms again, and in sympathy Yuuri has enacted a restrictive new law. Will the citizens of Shin Makoku learn to go without their arms in time to counter a deadly threat? Some Yuuram.
1. Conrad is in Possession of a Despair

**Up in Arms**

**Summary: **Finally fed up with his lack of respect and constant missing-arm crises, Conrad decides to leave Blood Pledge Castle. But Yuuri comes up with a solution to cheer him up… much to the chagrin of everyone else in the kingdom. Crack. Some Yuuram.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters of Kyou Kara Maou.**  
**

**Warnings: **Arm loss.

**A/N: **How did I get pyrrhic_victoly to beta this and make it suck less? Kidnapping.

**Chapter 1: Conrad is in Possession of a Despair**

If anyone could possess a single unit of sadness, hereby referred to as **one** (1) sad, it would be Conrad Weller. Alas, it was another day when he was the answer to some random prophecy that decided the fate of the world. It was another day where he adventured to the ends of the earth and killed thousands of nameless guards, who probably had families who loved them but also the misfortune of being nameless. A long day in which he nursed kittens back to health using his own breast milk… and of course, another day where he found himself missing both of his arms.

Of all of these events, which were regular occurrences for Conrad Weller, his missing arms were by far the most troubling to him. He couldn't scratch his back, or even use a back-scratcher. He was utterly unable to stab people for fun, cutting random people down in the prime of their lives in the name of justice and maintaining peace. Worst of all, he couldn't even lean against the wall with his arms crossed (and you know, simply leaning is never enough).

Even his flashbacks seemed to have lost their luster. Every time he sought to remember the famous Battle of Luttenberg, he couldn't help but imagine how it would have turned out if he had no arms. Having learned the infamous Roundhouse Kick from his late father, he assumed that the battle would still end in his favor… but how could he have lifted his sword to sound the charge? That was the best part!

Conrad's chronic arm-loss was causing him to miss out on the best parts of life. And this is why he had a sad.

He was leaning against the wall in King Yuuri's office. But he felt ridiculous, leaning there with his lower half thrust out. Without arms to cross on his chest it just wasn't cool. Nothing was cool. He sank down to the ground in pouty despair. No one understood the depths of his suffering! Whenever he lost an arm, it sometimes took him _days_ to regrow another one! What was he supposed to do until then? Take up tap dancing? The very thought horrified him. No, he was worthless without Righty and Lefty, his two closest friends.

Well, Conrad couldn't take it any longer! After hours of wallowing in his own self-pity, he had come up with an idea! He would retire from his job as a… well, he wasn't entirely sure what exactly his job was, but he wasn't going to do it anymore! He would quit and find a job that allowed him to hang onto his arms. Maybe he would be a carpenter, or a bull-fighter! Perhaps he could get a job in a factory or sweatshop somewhere, working with dangerous equipment. Or he could swim with sharks! The possibilities were endless. And all he had to do was pen his resignation.

This proved difficult for him, seeing as he did not have any hands. He used the side of his foot to scrape off his boot, and his teeth to untie the boot knife he kept there at all times. He also used his teeth to remove off the three pairs of socks his mother made him wear, and the two pairs of socks Gunter guilted him into wearing. Finally, he grabbed a pen between his toes and began scribbling. After writing a rather stinky letter with the boot knife between his teeth, he replaced all five socks, in the same order, strapped the knife to his ankle again, and replaced the boot. He was finally ready to leave for the next stage of his life! He picked up the letter in his mouth and left the office.

"Conrad! Heeeey, Conrad!" came Yuuri's needy call from across the courtyard. Yuuri had a sort of radar, a Condar if you will, that aided him in his need to be in the exact same room as Conrad at all times. Conrad couldn't even go to the bathroom without Yuuri worriedly asking when he would be out, if he could hurry up, and if his bowel movement wasn't too painful. Yes, Yuuri was clearly addicted to Conrad's very presence. Conrad realized that this would make his planned exodus difficult.

"Conrad! Where have you been? I can't eat lunch unless you're there to watch me!" Yuuri whined pathetically.

"Mmm ffmmph hppmmmmrrrp," responded Conrad, his letter of resignation still in his mouth.

"What's that? Wait, where are your arms? Did you lose them again?"

Conrad tried to shrug, but without arms to push his shoulders up it didn't work. So he nodded instead. He supposed that now was as good at time as any to break the news to his king. He spit out the letter at Yuuri.

"Read this," he said. Yuuri picked up the letter and read.

Ddeer yo0u8r4 mkaije4swtyy,

I quit5. No r5mk makes me saed.

Cdoonraqd.

"What?" asked Yuuri, unable to read the letter Conrad had written with his feet.

"It is my letter of resignation. I am leaving to become a carpenter or something!" said Conrad, proudly.

Yuuri threw a hissy-fit.

"What? Conrad, how can you leave? Didn't you promise me you'd be by my side always forever for every moment of every day of every year? You promised! You swore! You are Conrad and I am Yuuri and you have to protect me and be there and do my laundry and rescue me when I get kidnapped why are you doing this why do you hate me?"

This was going better than Conrad had expected. At least Yuuri hadn't started crying, or pounding his fists on Conrad's chest, as he sometimes did.

"Your Majesty, I'm sick of losing my arms all the time! I'm going to quit and run away and become very rich and own a car and a plane, and one day return and show you how rich I am!"

"We don't have cars and planes here!"

"That is exactly why I hate this castle, Your Majesty. No cars. No planes. And even if we had them, I couldn't drive them because I don't have any arms!"

"Also because the last time you drove a car, you destroyed a Farmer's Market in Los Angeles," Yuuri pointed out.

"That's because I learned to drive from your mom! What do you expect?"

"Hey, Sir Weller, can you give me a hand?" grunted Dorcas from across the courtyard, as he attempted to carry a heavy load of horse feed.

"_Stop oppressing me!_" cried Conrad. "I save the world like every day, but do I ever get respect? Nooo. All I ask is for my own noble family, with blackjack, and hookers, but do you let me? Of course not!"

"Um, it's hard to have an entire noble family with only one person in it-"

"That is another thing! Why can't I ever get laid? What is this, a harem? I just stand around while everyone else gets together and makes babies?"

"Conrad, I am not going to help you get laid-"

"My room doesn't even have plumbing! And my _bedsheets are green_."

"Yeah, your uniform is pretty bad too, what's with the brown?"

"So I am leaving. And no amount of whining will convince me to stay! It is my turn to whine, damnit!"

Yuuri pondered for a moment.

"So, you're saying you want to leave because you don't get any respect?"

"Right. This disability is hard, and this castle is full of ableist bastards."

Yuuri snapped his fingers.

"I have an idea! Follow me!"

So Yuuri marched to his office, beaming, while Conrad followed behind him, wondering why he wasn't bull-fighting in China or teaching English to Australians or doing all the epic things he wanted to do.

He sulked in the corner as Yuuri sat at his desk, scribbling on an official-looking piece of paper.

"You're mocking me," said Conrad grumpily, staring at the pen moving gracefully in Yuuri's hand.

At this very time Wolfram von Biedefeld entered the room. Just as Yuuri was dependent on Conrad's constant presence, Wolfram got his jollies by verbally and physically abusing his fiancé.

"Yuuri, what are you doing? I specifically remember commanding you to remain within five feet of me at all times!"

"I can't, because then there isn't enough room for Conrad to remain within five feet of _me _at all times!"

"I just want my arms back," whined Conrad, glowering in his corner of the room.

"A-ha, I have finished!" said Yuuri, signing the official-looking paper.

"What is that?" asked Wolfram.

"It's an official decree to raise awareness for Conrad's armlessness!" Yuuri boasted happily.

"And how does it do that?" Wolfram looked skeptical.

Yuuri scooted back his chair and raised the newly-signed decree.

"By order of King Yuuri, 27th Maou of Shin Makoku, all persons within a twenty-mile radius of Blood Pledge Castle are henceforth forbidden to use either of their arms, until further notice!"

"What?" yelled Wolfram, grabbing Yuuri by the cuff of his jacket and shaking him.

"Conrad says that he never gets enough respect for his loss of arms, so I made this law so that everyone can know what it feels like."

"What?" Wolfram kept shaking Yuuri as if he was an Etch-A-Sketch, and had a stupid idea that needed erasing.

"Wolfram, stop, you're not allowed to use your arms anymore!" said Yuuri, who then realized that he was still holding up the paper. He dropped it, allowing his arms to fall at his side. Wolfram pouted, crossing his arms, and then realized what he was doing and uncrossed them.

"Stupid wimp."

From the corner of the room, Conrad smiled.


	2. Poison Lady to the Rescue?

**Summary: **As the denizens of the castle become used to functioning without the use of their arms, Anissina comes up with a… unique… way to deal with the problem.

**Chapter 2: Poison Lady to the… Rescue?**

Yuuri woke up the next morning, refreshed and happy. He was very proud of himself for enacting this new law, because it would make Conrad happy. And if Conrad was happy, he might want to spend time with him and stop running away to Dai Shimaron whenever he had a bit too much to drink. Yuuri would do _anything_ for Conrad's approval, even if it meant letting him get away with murder. So this law was just what he needed to impress his… well, he wasn't sure exactly what Conrad's job was, but he preferred to think of him as his man-slave.

That man-slave was thoroughly enjoying the new law as well. Conrad was glad to see people experiencing the same adversities that he would have experienced, if he was less awesome and powerful and handsome and invincible (and tall). He stood on his balcony, beaming down at the rising sun and the bustling town below him. Well, normally the town was bustling. On this day, people were drunkenly staggering in the roads and trying to buy and sell their wares without the use of their hands. But that was funnier to watch. Conrad did not feel so alone after all. Everyone was once again more pathetic than he was. Balance had been restored to that twenty-mile radius.

Unfortunately, nobody else in the castle seemed too happy with the new legislation. Yuuri walked down the halls only to see disgruntled maids carrying laundry in their mouths, soldiers with spears sticking out between their legs, and stable-boys scooping up horse dung with spoons dangling from their mouths.

"Cheer up, everyone!" Yuuri cried happily, flashing big smiles at them as he passed. Each gave him a weak smile. The stable-boy tried to smirk with a spoonful of dung in his mouth and the spoon flipped up, depositing the refuse in his hair. Yuuri laughed, but the stable-boy did not seem to see the humor in the situation.

Finally, Yuuri found himself in his office once more, his kingly duties needing to be done.

Wolfram sat sleepily at the table in front of the desk. Both he and Yuuri had had an interesting night, which began with Yuuri trying to kick him out of bed. Wolfram, of course, had to choice but to retaliate, which resulted in an hours-long kicking match under the covers, while Greta bounced on the bed with a mouth full of lollipops.

While Yuuri sat there, wishing he could nurse his newly-bruised legs, the door to his office shot off its hinges with a violent _CRACK! _There stood Gwendal, foot extended from kicking it down. From his mouth dangled a stack of papers.

"What do you have there, Gwendal?" asked Yuuri.

Gwendal slowly walked up to the table, bent over, and deposited the stack of papers from his mouth to the desk. A bit of drool dribbled down his chin, but he had no way to wipe it off.

"A bit of feedback on your new law," he muttered.

Yuuri leaned over the desk in order to read:

To his mahsty kung yuurio,b 27th maou oif shin maskokyu,

Thips lksaew sducks. I xdant edo sn7ythihnfg. Revoike irt pleasew.

Thhyed bnp0oeplkr.

"Well, this doesn't make any sense," said Yuuri, "I can't understand what these people are saying at all!"

"No doubt they are expressing deep praise for His Majesty's brilliant policy-making," said Gwendal dryly.

"Wow, you think so? It's good to see the people becoming so involved with the needs of the disabled."

Wolfram smashed his face onto the table in despair.

"I hope the others are getting used to living without their arms. If Conrad can do it, I'm sure they can too."

It was at this time that Gunter von Kleist staggered into the room. His shining locks of periwinkle hair, normally perfectly in place, resembled a bird's nest. Clearly, Gunter had had trouble using his brush.

"Hello, Gunter, how are you enjoying your newfound understanding?" asked Yuuri cheerfully.

"It is wonderful, Your Majesty. I am truly humbled at your compassion for the armless," he said dreamily, as he wobbled over to the table and sat down. He tried to look dignified. He failed.

"How am I supposed to sign these?" asked Yuuri, looking down at the stack of illegible forms before him.

"Why don't you put the pen in your mouth?" Wolfram replied sarcastically. But Yuuri could not detect sarcasm, so that is what he proceeded to do. After managing to scribble out several signatures, he happened upon a letter. It smelled like roses, and was perfectly legible.

_Dear King Yuuri,_

_I was so pleased to hear of this new law you enacted! I was just telling my seamen that we needed something new to spice up our ship life. I began by forbidding them to use their arms, but I've taken it even further. Now they can only use their hips! It's quite… romantic. You should consider doing the same! You might finally be able to get somewhere with my beloved Wolfram._

_Love and Kisses,_

_Cecilie von Spitzveg_

_PS: It makes writing so much fun, too!_

"How did Cheri-sama manage to write such a perfect letter without the use of her arms?" asked Yuuri.

Gwendal closed his eyes. Wolfram blushed.

"Yikes," Yuuri was imagining it. He had to hand it to Cheri-sama (or he would if he could use his hands), she had amazing control of her breasts.

"What an embarrassment!" cried Gunter, looking up to the ceiling dramatically.

"At least one good thing has come of this," said Gwendal, using his pectoral muscles to shove the signed papers into an open sack.

"What is that?"

"Anissina has been very quiet today," remarked Wolfram.

Gwendal shot him a nervous look. He had done it, used _her_ name. And now it was only a matter of time-

CRASH! An unimaginably loud explosion blasted the wall of the room in, spreading debris everywhere. But nobody noticed the crushed bookcases, or the bits of ceiling now falling on their heads, nor Gunter's pathetic screams. They only saw… _it_.

Before them was the most horrifying… thing… they had ever seen. It was a giant machine that loosely resembled a crab. Two enormous metal pincers that were the size of a small cow flexed threateningly at the inhabitants of the room. All sorts of ungodly sounds screeched from its joints as it moved. It was a battle-tank, a horrifying death machine, sure to bring doom upon the populace. And yet, the most horrifying feature of all was what came from within it…

"Gwendal!" called the amplified voice of Anissina, ten times louder than it should ever need to be.

"Dear Shinou, Anissina, what have you done?" cried Gwendal in complete shock. One of the claws extended and poked him in the chest, sending him sprawling backwards.

"Gwendal! Don't you like my latest experiment? It is my foot-controlled Harbinger-Of-Doom-Master-10,000! I've been waiting for an excuse to test it here in the castle!"

"It is the end! Oh mother, why did you birth me into such a cruel world?" Gunter wallowed dramatically, rolling on the floor where he had been knocked from his chair.

"Anissina! You are going to kill us all!" yelled Wolfram angrily at the machine. "You could have killed my fiancé!" He turned to look at Yuuri, only to see a shattered window, through which the Maou had been thrown in the initial blast.

"How could you do this to the Maou?" asked Gwendal, rushing to the window. Gunter continued to roll on the ground, crying uncontrollably.

"It's okay, I caught him!" came Conrad's voice from two stories below. Gwendal looked out to see Conrad and Yuuri on the ground. Conrad had caught Yuuri with his legs and done a barrel-roll.

"Hey! Conrad! Unwrap your legs from my fiancé immediately!" Wolfram yelled, as Conrad and Yuuri attempt to stand back up without using their arms.

"That leaves… _this_," said Gwendal in disgust, turning to Anissina's cruel doom machine.

"What is it?" asked Wolfram. Gunter was curled in an armless fetal position, rocking back and forth.

"I told you! This is my Harbinger-Of-Doom-Master-10,000! No use of arms necessary to control it! My most brilliant invention! Come help me power it, Gwendal."

"No! That is an abomination!"

With a screech, one of the claws extended once more, and grabbed Gwendal by the scruff of his neck. Screaming, he was lifted into the air.

"I have a special station prepared for you!"

A large capsule on the side of the machine opened, revealing a maryoku-generating bicycle. The claw daintily deposited Gwendal in the capsule and it immediately shut with a loud hiss.

"Now, pedal, damn you! Pedal!" Gwendal did as he was told. Today was not a good day to defy the Poison Lady.

"Gunter! I have prepared one for you as well." A second capsule on the other side of the machine opened up. Weeping, Gunter staggered over to it and attempted to climb in, but failed, as he couldn't use his arms. The claw reached down and nudged him in from behind. He fell unceremoniously with a thud, and the capsule hissed close.

"With this amazing invention, we will be able to get things done in the castle without use of our arms!" Anissina boasted.

"You will destroy the building!" yelled Wolfram.

"Ah, yes, Wolfram, I had forgotten about you. Unfortunately there is no room for you in this device. However, in the next version I plan to have more capsules installed. You'll just have to wait until then!" And with a loud rumble the death machine shook, hoisting itself up on its crab-like legs, and returned to from whence it came.

Wolfram decided to go back to bed.


	3. Wolfram is Not Amused

**Summary: **Despite having no use of his arms, Wolfram feels that it is time for him and Yuuri to consummate their engagement. Will Yuuri agree? And how will they manage? Yuuram.

**Warnings: **This chapter does not contain rape, but Wolfram attempts to put pressure on Yuuri to have sex. If that triggers you, do not read.

Chapter 3: Wolfram is Not Amused

"It is time, Yuuri," came Wolfram's voice from the bed as Yuuri stumbled into the room.

"Wolfram, where were you all day? Don't tell me you were in here pouting."

"I've been thinking! We've been engaged for a few months now, and it's time we took this relationship to the next level!"

"Ah, what are you going on about now?"

Wolfram sat up in the bed. His pink nightgown was twisted on his body, as if he had been unable to put it on correctly. He looked quite undignified… but what he was hoping to do was even _more _undignified.

"I asked mother, and she said she makes love all the time without the use of her arms! Wouldn't it be fu-"

"WHAT?" Yuuri backed towards the door. "Wolfram, I don't even like you that way! Sheesh!"

Wolfram frowned. "I am your fiancé! Everyone is always talking about us, saying we aren't romantic enough! And today you were locking legs with my brother, of all people! It is a disgrace!"

"Even if I wanted to, there is no way we could without using our arms." Yuuri was grateful for his brilliant timing in enacting the law, so that he would not have to cross the bases with his fiancé.

Wolfram decided to try another tactic. He knew that Yuuri had a pathological need to make everyone around him happy at all times. He worked up the saddest frown he could muster, and bent his head.

"Your lack of respect for my feelings shames me. Why is it you try so hard to please everyone else, but can't give in to one request? Do you have no respect for me at all?" Wolfram could almost hear the _crack_ of Yuuri's brain failing him.

"Nooo, Wolfram! I would never want to hurt your precious feelings!"

Wolfram smiled internally. He was about to score!

Five minutes later, Wolfram was leaning against the headboard of his bed. Yuuri sat in a chair by the window.

"Oh, Wolfram! Ooooh! That thing you are doing feels sooo good!" Yuuri said loudly, and unconvincingly.

"What do you think you're doing? Did you start without me?" Wolfram grumbled.

"You were worried that everyone thinks we aren't making love, so I'm making it sound like we are!" Yuuri got out of the chair and started kicking the bed. "Come on, help me out here!"

"I'm not helping you with that."

Yuuri stood on the bed and then bounced up and down.

"Yes Wolfram, that is amazing! I sure hope nobody else heard our perfectly adequate love-making!"

"If mother finds out about this I will have to kill myself."

Yuuri jumped and landed on the bed with his legs crossed.

"Well, I guess that's over. I am going to sleep."

"What? That was only two minutes! People are going to think I have no stamina!"

"Come on, Wolfram, it's better than nothing."

They both lay there for a few minutes staring up at the ceiling. Yuuri had started to doze off when the bed began to shake.

"Oy, you better not be doing what I think you're doing-"

"I'm taking off my nightgown!" Wolfram had both of his feet stuck in his nightgown in an attempt to pull it over his head. Wiggling, tossing and turning, he managed to get it off.

"Great, can I go to sleep now?" Yuuri asked. He was met with silence. "Thank you."

Again there was silence in the bedroom. Yuuri had just fallen asleep when he felt something on his leg.

"What was that?" he mumbled.

"You know, Yuuri, we're both here in bed, and I'm naked," said Wolfram. He again moved his leg up Yuuri's leg.

"Yeah, but I have my clothes on and they're staying on," Yuuri grumbled, moving closer to the edge of the bed.

"But under all of those clothes, _you're naked too_!"

"Wolfram…"

"Come on, we're right here! No one has to know! We can even use our arms!"

"I am _not_ going to use my arms." Yuuri kicked Wolfram in an attempt to get him to back off.

"Well if that's how it's going to be…" Wolfram kicked back.

What followed was the most pathetic kicking match of the century. For the second night in a row, Yuuri and Wolfram entered a battle of the legs. Finally, they found themselves completely tangled in each other, and fell to the floor with a thud.

"Mmmph htmmm?" asked Yuuri, with a face full of carpet.

"I don't know! This is all your fault! Why do I have such a wimp for a fiancé?"

And that is how they were discovered in the morning by Gunter, who upon seeing them promptly fainted.

"Oh, His Majesty has been despoiled of his purity and innocence! What a cruel world we live in! What odious tidings for our future!" Since nobody could cart him off to the infirmary, they just left him there. The job of untangling Wolfram and Yuuri was up to Conrad and Greta, who each grabbed one with their teeth and pulled until they became untangled.

"What was that noise you were making last night, Your Majesty?" asked armless Conrad, straightening out his pant-leg with his teeth.

"Yeah, what were you two doing last night?" asked Greta. Yuuri froze, unwilling to reveal to his young daughter the world of love-making.

"Uh… Wolfram was just painting me a picture!"

"Really, Your Majesty? In the dark? And for only five minutes?" asked Conrad.

"Of course!" Wolfram said haughtily, "That is how the best painters paint!" He waved his hand towards a canvas that he had been working on for months. Conrad walked over to inspect it.

"Hmm, it shows." Greta nodded in agreement.

Wolfram decided to never get out of bed again, ever.


	4. The Deep Ones

**Summary: **While the citizens of Shin Makoku suffer under Yuuri's new law, an evil danger lurks beneath the evil surface…

**Chapter 4: The Deep Ones**

"Tell me, _Hjolki_, are you still evil?" said a low voice, echoing off of the walls of the cavern.

"Of course, master, I am always evil," came the evil reply.

"Good. I will need your evil help in creating my evil plan."

It was a dank dungeon, deep in the earth under Shin Makoku. There, the band of evildoers continued in their plans to take over the demon kingdom. Why?

"Because we are evil!" Abelone raised his mace to the sky, though it was actually a ceiling. And it wasn't painted to look like the sky, either, it was painted to look like a giant turd. At least, that is what Abelone assumed the intention was, because that is sure as hell what it looked like.

"Who were you talking to, my lord?" Hjolki asked.

"Oh, no one, not important. Anyway, with regards to that evil plan…" Abelone's hand grasped a long swath of paper and held it before him. Hjolki illumated it with a torch.

"The fool king of Shin Makoku has enacted a new law forcing all of its denizens to go without their arms!"

Hjolki immediately dropped the torch.

"No, you fool, we're evil, remember? We don't need to obey their laws!"

"Oh." Hjolki picked the torch up again.

"This is the perfect opportunity to launch our attack. They will not see it coming, the fools… for we will not enter from the front, the rear, above or diagonally, nor by the top half of the diameter were you to imagine Blood Pledge Castle as nesting on the center diameter of a large sphere…"

"What are you saying, my lord?"

"We will attack them from… UNDERNEATH!" Abelone raised his hands to the sky in victory.

"Well, it's not like we really have any other way to get up there."

"Shut up, Hjolki."


	5. Diary of a Wimpy King

**Chapter 5: Diary of a Wimpy King**

_Dfear diuary,_

_Today wads intrerhestung. I weewnt nfor a jjog. Stilkl cant busses artms._

_Love.,shibuyaa tyuueri hastrsasjuuiku fuurri_

Yuuri's diaries were getting shorter by the day. It was hard to write with your toes. Not to mention the earthquakes. But if you insist on mentioning them, there had been persistent earthquakes in the area for the last week. Nobody knew where they were coming from. Everyone assumed it was Anissina's doing.

Everyone seemed to be in a bad mood. Conrad sulked because he couldn't decapitate people on a whim anymore. Wolfram sulked because Yuuri _still_ wouldn't do the deed with him, and he thought the arm-banning law was stupid. Gwendal and Gunter were probably sulking, except no one had seen them since the incident with Anissina. Come to think of it, besides the occasional wall taken out by her horrible contraption, there was little sign of Anissina either.

Yuuri strolled along the castle courtyard, trying to keep everyone's spirits up. But privately, the cogs were churning in his brain. He was beginning to realize that possibly, just _possibly_, this law wasn't the greatest idea. But he wasn't about to let the thought of his actions ruining the lives and livelihoods of the citizens of his country get him down! He was going to throw a _party_! He would invite delegates from all over the world to the party, to come see what Shin Makoku was like under the new rules!

"Yes," said Wolfram, "That is a brilliant idea. Then our enemies can storm in and take over! Or, if not that, maybe we can take hostages! People from other countries can become our slaves and use their arms to help us!"

Yuuri squashed that idea.

And so they stood, overlooking the courtyard, wondering what to do next. Well, Wolfram knew what to do next.

"Yuuri, I am sorry for trying to go too far the other night."

"It's okay, Wolfram, I know you were frustrated because you can't use your arms."

"I was thinking that maybe I was moving too fast! I should have at least tried to make out with you first."

"Wolfram! I don't want to make out with you!"

"Come on, Yuuri! I'm obeying your stupid law, you have to give me _something_."

"You can't make out with someone without use your arms, Wolfram! It isn't sexy."

One of Wolfram's eyebrows raised.

"Oh, I can make it sexy." He sort of moves his chest in a way that he thought was attractive. It wasn't.

"Wolfram, that's not sexy."

Wolfram stuck out his tongue and then licked all around his lips in a circular motion.

"Wolfram, this isn't working! Didn't your mom teach you anything?"

Finally, Wolfram bumped his chest against Yuuri's, and rubbed it up and down.

"See? We can make out like this!"

Yuuri wished that something, anything would stop this from happening.

Suddenly, the ground began to quake!

"W-what is that?" asked Wolfram, looking over the balcony.

"Another earthquake. Are we on top of a volcano or something?"

Below them, the earth had begun to move.

"There's something down there! Someone do something!" people cried.

Conrad was in his room, tossing a baseball against the wall using only his abs. He heard their cries and knew that it was time to rise above, to _overcome his obstacles_. But how?

He walked over to the mirror and looked at himself.

"Look at you. You are pathetic. Since when have you ever needed your arms to kill things? You can still roundhouse-kick people in the face. You're badass. Come on, Conrad. Save the town. _Save the world_.

Outside, the ground finally broke as a giant drill roared into view. They had come, whatever they were.

Conrad was still looking in the mirror. Something was off. He looked closer, squinting, trying to see exactly what wasn't right about his reflection.

"I AM ABELONE, DESTROYER OF EARTH! I HAVE WAITED LONG TO UNLEASH MY WRATH UPON THE WORLD! WHAT SAY YOU, DENIZENS OF EARTH? ARE YOU READY TO FACE THE DRILL?"

"We're doomed," said Wolfram.


	6. What Conrad Saw in the Mirror

**Summary:** An evil terror has come to plague the capital. With no one able to use their arms, who is left to stop it?!

**Chapter 6: What Conrad Saw in the Mirror**

The horrible drilling machine tore up the courtyard, spraying dirt all over the screaming, crying citizens. They ran, arms dangling uselessly at their sides.

"What are we going to do?!" yelled Yuuri.

"I don't know. Thanks to _you_, we can't use our arms!" Wolfram grunted angrily.

Abelone stood upon his giant drill. He pressed a button and from the side of his machine protruded a long tube. It was _a dirt cannon_. He began to spray it, covering everything, and everyone, with dirt. And not the awesome-smelling it-just-rained dirt, either. This was the dirt that had accumulated over four thousand years from ancient horse poop, which released a smell that only Murata could truly understand.

"Yuuri, you must go into Maou-mode, it's the only way," said Wolfram.

"I won't be able to use my arms then either! It's hopeless!"

"Muahahahaha! I, Abelone, with my evil plan, will evilly take over this establishment to enact my evil order! My first evil act? _To force everyone to use their arms_! _Ahaahhahahahahaha!_"

"Actually, that doesn't sound half bad," muttered Wolfram.

"_YIPPEE-KI-YAY, MOTHERCHUCKERS!"_

"What… what was that?" asked Yuuri.

"_THAT'S RIGHT, BEND OVER AND TAKE IT. DIE LIKE PIGS, AND I'LL MAKE BACON FROM YOUR ENTRAILS!"_

And from the sky, surrounded by a glorious beam of light, came the most heinous-looking machine known to demon or man. Helicopter blades spun on top as it descended from the clouds, gaudy bright lights flashing in a circular fashion. Its two gigantic claws pinched menacingly, and from inside of it one could here loud and dramatic weeping.

"It's the Harbinger-Of-Doom-Master-10,000!" cried Yuuri.

"So it is," replied Anissina. Everyone looked at her.

"Wait, if you're here, then who is controlling that thing?"

"It appears that my invention has gained sentience. Interesting."

"Interesting?! It will kill us all!" And the people fled in terror. Yuuri could see Gunter inside of one of the pods, crying and pathetically cycling his heart out. In the other pod sat Gwendal, glowering and shooting angry looks at the central area of the machine.

"Gunter and Gwendal are in there! We have to save them!" As Yuuri cried this, the front of the machine began to open, rising menacingly. Everyone shielded their eyes to avoid whatever terror lay within…

"I'm going into Maou-mode!" Yurri took a deep breath.

"Don't bother, your majesty! I got it covered!" came a voice, projected ten times louder than it ever should be.

And from inside the machine, Conrad Weller stood up. He was wearing sunglasses, and his shirt was conspicuously missing. His muscles glistened in the sun, as did the cigarette dangling from his mouth. And in his arms, which were distinctly no longer missing, there was a huge motherfucking machine gun.

"_TAKE THIS, ASSWIPES!" _And Conrad thusly let loose with the machine gun, pelting his enemies with ammunition. The claws opened and closed, tossing bombs on Abelone and company. Conrad threw down a grenade for good measure. It was bloody carnage.

"Curses!" hissed the evil Abelone, "I have been foiled by… _that_, whatever the hell that is."

The abominable crab machine landed on the ground with a thud. Conrad sat back down in the captain's chair and began directing the monstrosity with his feet, all while wielding the machine gun to eradicate every last enemy before him. In the end, only Abelone remained.

"Conrart Weller, my old nemesis…" he growled from the seat of his machine.

"Nemesis? Who the hell are you?" asked Conrad.

"I'm your nemesis! You know! We've been fighting each other for years!"

"I've never seen you before, ever." Conrad crossed his arms.

"Uh… well… I've been _hoping_ we could, you know, become nemeses, if you don't already have one."

"Get in line, buddy! Everyone wants to take me on. _It is not happening!_"

"In that case, prepare to die, Sir Weller!" Abelone cackled and pointed the drill straight at the man he wanted to be the nemesis of.

Unfortunately, drills aren't made for speed. Conrad quickly grabbed his trusty otter-gun.

"No, not the otter-gun!" gasped Abelone.

"Time to die, dickweed!" Conrad fired the gun. An otter hit Abelone square in the face.

"Owww!"

"Yeah, so, take that!" said Conrad.

"Is that all it does? Hit me in the face?"

"Well, the gun, yeah. What the otter wants to do is up to it."

"Hahaha! Do you think an otter could defeat me, the mighty Abelone?" and it was then that Abelone truly realized the direness of the situation. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do. The otter swallowed him whole.

"It was _otterly _stupid of your mother to name you that," Conrad said, crossing his sexy, beefy arms.

Everyone cheered!

"You saved the day, Conrad!" said Yuuri.

"Yeah, but he broke the law!" Wolfram yelled.

Everyone grew angry!

"Hey, that's right! Conrad used his arms! That's not fair."

Conrad waved his arms indignantly.

"Come on! I'm Conrad Weller! I _never_ obey the law, and you guys are always giving me a pass! Do you know exactly how many times I've committed treason or disobeyed orders? Like a hundred and seventeen. Are you really going to start punishing me _now_?"

Wolfram scratched his head. Conrad had a point.

"Of course not, Conrad," Yuuri smiled. "You're perfect in everything you do."

"So what say we repeal this law and get everyone's arms back?"

Yuuri ran up to his office and wrote an illegible counter-law repealing the first one. Soon afterwards, everyone was sitting in the war room, flexing their muscles.

"Hey, Conrad, how did you get your arms back, anyway?" asked Yuuri.

Conrad smiled charmingly. "Well, you're never going to believe this… really, you'll think it's _so funny_…"

He looked around the room sheepishly.

"You see, I had my arms _the whole time_. I just forgot to put them in the armholes of my jacket!"

Everyone sat with their jaws gaped open.

"Isn't that hilarious!?"

Then Conrad spent the next week in prison. But you know, I think he learned an important lesson. I think everyone did. When you are a badass, dashing and murdering half-demon who has the leader of the richest and most powerful country in the palm of your hand, you can just _hire people to put your shirt on for you_. They don't teach such important lessons in school. So suffice to say, nobody's time was wasted in this story by Conrad's actions, nor were the writers' in writing it or the readers' in reading it.

Right?

Right.

And that's all I have to say about that.


End file.
